Having therapy was so helpful to my recovery but it really was emotionally draining. Talking through everything in detail just brought back and heightened all of those feelings.
It didn’t help that we had just entered the first national lockdown. Whilst previously I had been struggling with the emotions of postnatal depression and PTSD the pandemic created more anxieties which made everything I was working through worse.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I started having flashbacks which would lead to panic attacks. I also started having nightmares. They really effected me. I became anxious about going to bed at night as I couldn’t face the thought of having another dream. My sleep was so disturbed I was then exhausted during the day. Exhaustion would then heighten the anxieties. It was a vicious cycle.
One night a dream was so bad I started having a panic attack, I woke up to my husband trying to calm me down as in my sleep I was trying to climb out of bed. I remember the dream was that someone was taking my daughter. Even whilst sleeping, my body had reacted in a panic and I was obviously trying to get to her and save her.
My worst anxieties were that something would happen to my daughter and I would somehow lose her. My therapist helped me understand that this was a result of having had the constant worry of something going wrong throughout my pregnancy, birth and the re-admission to hospital. The way my mind looked at the world had altered. It had become used to being alert and looking for danger. I was struggling to accept that my little girl was here, she was safe and well.
One evening when she was only a few months old she woke up really distressed. Her cry sounded awful, it was clear she had a sore throat. I went into an immediate panic. My chest was tight, my breathing quickened and I was crying as I told my husband we needed to call an ambulance and get her to hospital. The poor guy didn’t just have an emotional, poorly baby to try and soothe, he also had a hysterical wife!
There was one day we popped out to a local retail park. For some unknown reason that day I felt so on edge. As we went around the shops I remember sticking close to my husband and just feeling on high alert. My husband popped into Costa to get us some drinks. At that time only one member of a house hold could go in so I waited outside. I was assessing danger, I was looking around to see where I could run if one of the other people also waiting outside tried to grab the buggy with my daughter in. I moved away slightly from the group to put more distance between us. I still didn’t feel comfortable so I took her out of the buggy and physically held her. That way I could protect her properly and only the buggy would be taken.
Another day I went to a supermarket on my own with her. As we walked out of the shop we walked past a lady stood to the side, as soon as we had gone by she started walking behind us, she was pretty close. Straight away I felt my body react. What if she was one of those people looking out for children to take and was following me to see where we went? I took a different route to my car, and only went to it when she had gone a different way.
I couldn’t understand why I was reacting to things this way. After having the therapy I now know that these reactions were out of my control. I’m unable to control how my mind reacts. However my therapist provided me with some great techniques to put in place when these moments happen and which help to calm my mind and remind it of the reality.
These are just a few examples of how these conditions have affected me. At times I felt like I was going crazy and even now writing this post, I feel so embarrassed. But I hope by being so honest it may raise some awareness and help others who are going through something similar.