Dear Baby S,
It’s now been a year since I lost you. A year since I found out what it truly means to have your heart broken.
Although it’s been a year, I can still remember it as if it was yesterday. Seeing the blood, and the conversation with the doctor telling me what I already knew deep down was happening.
So many emotions followed afterwards. Pain, guilt, loss, distress, anger, loneliness and emptiness. The feeling of grief is unbearable.
It took me a long time to stop blaming myself. What had I done wrong? Had I not been careful enough? Why hadn’t my body done what it was supposed to, and protect you?
I wish I could say that a year later the pain is easier, but I would be lying. I was recently watching a programme and a character thought she could be miscarrying. I was hit with a wave of grief as the memories of it all replayed in my mind.
The anxiety it has caused for my current pregnancy is really difficult to manage. The constant fear of it happening again is exhausting. But I am taking it one day at a time and am forever grateful for the little boy growing inside me.
You are in my thoughts every day. You would be five months old now, and I often wonder what you would look like and the personality you would have.
You may not be with us in person but you are forever in our hearts.
Fly high my angel.
