I had a year off work with my daughter. It wasn’t the maternity leave I could ever have imagined. My little one was only 4 months old when we went into the first lockdown meaning, like so many other Mum’s and Dad’s I missed out on the opportunity to take her to baby groups, socialise with other mum’s and outings…trips to the beach, zoo, soft play.
Luckily working with children meant I had some ideas and experience on how to keep her entertained and support her development through different activities. Each evening I would plan an activity to do with her the following day. I found this really helped with anxiety as it gave me something to focus on and helped me feel like I was doing something useful.
The biggest concern for me (and I expect many others) was the lack of social contact that she was getting. It wasn’t just other children she wasn’t getting to meet, it was other adults too. She became used to being at home with just Mummy and Daddy and it was difficult at times for family members when she was wary of them when they could finally meet.
Returning to work was a huge thing for me. The week before, I was hit with a wave of anxiety that I just couldn’t shake off. So many thoughts ran through my head…was I doing the right thing? Shouldn’t I stay at home and look after my girl? What if I had forgotten how to do my job properly? What if I messed up? What if my little one hated Nursery? What if she caught COVID in nursery? It would be my fault! What if I didn’t enjoy being back? What if I couldn’t cope? What if…what if…what if! The anxiety triggered off nightmares, I was very emotional and felt nauseous…of course I found all of the above concerns to be totally unnecessary when I returned.
After a few weeks of being back I experienced my worst flashback. It was the anniversary of our readmission to hospital. I had such a strong sense of being back in the hospital. I could picture the doctors, midwives, paediatrician. I could hear them telling us about their concerns. I could feel the fear again as if it was happening there and then. My body responded in such a panic. I was shaking, I was sick, I couldn’t stop crying and had such a tight feeling in my chest. I was so overwhelmed by it that I was unable to use any of the strategies I had learnt in therapy to try and control it. It totally consumed me. The physical reaction was intense and drained me, it took a few days to get over it.
When I had recovered from the episode I was then hit with feelings of embarrassment, weakness and frustration. I had felt like I was coping ok but had taken a real knock back. It really affected my confidence and over the next few weeks I could feel myself getting low again. No matter what I tried I couldn’t snap myself out of it. I knew I needed some help again. I couldn’t face the thought of calling the IAPT service again, if I did that I felt like I would have really failed.
I got in touch with the PANDAS foundation. They are a charity that support families who have been affected by perinatal mental health. I didn’t have the courage to contact them by phone so I opted for the email service. A volunteer for the charity became a correspondent. She provided a listening ear, support, advice and encouragement. She helped me to understand that I was struggling with a relapse and the fact I needed more help wasn’t anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of (easier said than done!) She gave me the confidence to contact my IAPT service again. I booked myself an appointment and I was once again referred for some therapy, this time for depression.
Through the depression I was finding myself withdrawing from others and losing interest in things I would normally enjoy. I was really struggling to go out by myself or meet other people. If I had arranged to meet someone I would be filled with so much anxiety that I would quite often not end up going. I also normally love reading, having a relaxing bath, watching movie/tv thrillers and yoga. I struggled to do any of these things, I just didn’t have the energy or motivation and I couldn’t focus on a book or tv, my mind would just end up wandering! I was desperate to feel like ‘myself’ again. The woman who enjoyed socialising and didn’t avoid social situations, the woman who had some confidence in herself, the woman who took time to look after herself and not feel guilty about it!
Something I have learnt through all of this is that sometimes you really do have to take care of yourself, we cannot just keep going, we will inevitably burn out. There is so much support out there, it just needs to be found.
Since starting this blog I have received some amazing messages from people who say they can relate to my experiences or know someone who has been through something similar. It really is amazing how many people are impacted and the support I have had from this has been incredible, so thank you!