‘Mum guilt’ is very real. Any Mum will know just how real and strong this emotion can be. We put so much pressure on selves to be perfect and meet our child’s needs in every way. But it is often our own needs that are pushed aside and neglected as we strive to be a ’perfect‘ Mum.
This guilt doesn’t necessarily start when your baby arrives either. It can start much earlier.
Through my therapy I discovered that guilt was probably my biggest struggle and it had greatly influenced my experience with PND and PTSD. It’s incredible what a therapist can pull out of you as they ask the right questions to encourage you to talk. She set me an exercise to do which required me to put my thoughts ‘on trial’. I put myself in the position of the ’criminal’ and wrote down all my ‘crimes’. She then encouraged me to become the judge. Listening to the ‘criminal‘ describe their ‘crimes’, how would I respond? Would I declare them guilty or not guilty? It was such a powerful exercise for me and really helped me to see my ‘crimes’ and as I saw them, my failures, from a different perspective.
#1 Crime: My body couldn’t cope with pregnancy.
Judge: You grew a baby! Growing a baby puts a huge amount of pressure on your body. Your body does everything it can to protect the baby and she entered the world safe and healthy. That is a miracle. Your pregnancy was horrific but you got through it! You were strong enough to push yourself through the difficult days and focus on the amazing little one that was growing inside you.
Verdict: Not guilty!
#2 Crime: My body didn’t do what it was supposed to do, my baby was breech. It let me down. I should have noticed something wasn’t right.
Judge: This was completely out of your control. Your body once again did what it needed to do to protect the baby. It was found that the umbilical cord was in an awkward place, if the baby had turned and you had had her naturally, things could have been much worse. You were seen by lots of different midwives and none of them realised the baby was breech until the last minute. They are qualified, you are not. There is therefore no way you would have been expected to know yourself.
Verdict: Not guilty!
#3 Crime: I failed at breastfeeding. I wasn’t able to do the most important thing and feed my baby. My daughter lost lots of weight and became severely dehydrated because my body wouldn’t provide for her. She must have been starving and that breaks my heart.
Judge: You had a caesarean. This is major surgery, the trauma on your body is huge. You also lost 1.5 litres of blood. Your body needed time to recover. The baby was no longer inside so your body’s priority became healing itself. You didn’t fail. You did what was best for your baby and accepted that this wasn’t working for you both. By bottle feeding you found another way to ensure your baby’s needs were met.
Verdict: Not guilty!
These were my biggest struggles with guilt. But ‘Mum guilt’ can appear in much smaller situations…if your child hurts themselves, you have an evening out with friends, you go back to work, you put them in nursery, you didn’t cook them an elaborate meal…the list goes on and on.
The next time you’re feeling guilty and beating yourself up over something, give this exercise a go. Imagine what you would say to a friend if they were feeling guilty for the same thing. I bet you’ll find you’d be much kinder to them than you are to yourself! Show yourself some kindness sometimes, easier said than done I know, but we deserve it!