So it’s been a bit longer in between blog posts this time and I will admit that’s because I’ve been very up and down emotionally the last couple of weeks.
I think of a down day as a ‘black cloud day’. It feels as if there is a huge black cloud over my head and I can’t find my way out from under it, it follows me around all day.
To me a black cloud day is very overwhelming. I feel like I could or do cry for long periods of the day and quite often don’t know why!
I feel drained, achy and just exhausted. Movement can be a big effort.
I lose interest and focus on things that I would normally enjoy doing, for example watching a movie, exercise or reading.
I struggle to socialise. I‘m ok messaging as it’s easier to hide true emotions in a message. A phone call or meeting up with someone is much harder.
My self-esteem is shattered. I worry people think I’m being ridiculous and just need to ‘snap’ out of it and will get fed up with me when I’m like this.
This leads to the feelings of loneliness. Worrying what people think means I shut down and avoid telling people how I’m really feeling. Sometimes this is because I don’t know myself what is wrong!
‘Mum guilt‘ hits big time.
And then I just feel so frustrated at myself. Why am I feeling like this? I thought I was doing ok, why has this feeling reappeared? Why can’t I just ‘snap‘ out of it? I take medication, why is it not working right now?
I feel angry as I feel I have lost myself. This isn’t me. I wasn’t like this in the past.
It is a constant battle to keep these overwhelming emotions at bay.
Depression doesn’t give up easily.
Depression looks for those weak moments and takes advantage of them. Depression isn’t a choice.