I was dreading the start of my therapy sessions. I was still convinced that the therapist from my initial assessment had made a mistake. I was so anxious that at my next appointment the therapist would laugh and tell me that I didn’t need therapy, I just needed to move on from it.
The appointment arrived. The therapist introduced herself, talked me through what would happen over the sessions and then asked me to take my time and go through what was going on for me. I took a deep breath and went for it. When I had finished there was silence...oh god...she's trying to find a polite way of saying "get over it" I thought. I was wrong. "Wow I just need a minute to take that all in, I can't believe how much you have been through", she said. I cried. I was so relieved that what had been happening wasn't just me 'making a fuss' or being weak. Here was someone who didn't know me and was validating my thoughts and feelings.
She brought up PTSD and asked how I felt about that. I admitted to her that I had found it hard to believe as what I had been through wasn’t ‘major’. She explained that PTSD doesn’t always come from just one trauma. For me it had been a case of one thing after another and it had got to the point that my brain had shut down and said “enough is enough!”
When you become a parent, your needs are no longer your first priority. Even though things were constantly happening, I had continued to keep going. To put it in context, my therapist said it was if I had been out for a run, got injured, but then went on to run a marathon with that injury. It’s just something you wouldn’t do to your body. So why do we do it to our mind? Mental health needs to be treated in just the same way as physical health.
After that first appointment she sent me some information about PTSD to read through before our appointment the following week (this was at the beginning of the first lockdown so all appointments were over the phone). Reading through the information particular symptoms jumped out at me:
- “It may be like watching a film of what you went through” (flashback)
- Nightmares.
- Feeling physically and emotionally upset when reminded of the trauma.
- Constantly looking out for danger.
- Problems sleeping.
- Lack of concentration.
- Feeling depressed, anxious or irritable. - Withdrawing from family and friends.
- Feelings of guilt, self-blame, shame or self-criticism.
The metaphor used to explain PTSD was a filing cabinet. Normally the brain ‘files’ memories in the correct drawer. With PTSD, the memory becomes distorted. The brain gets confused with certain facts; where, when, how etc. This then leads to the person experiencing flashbacks feeling like it is happening then and there, they are re-living it.
Although I was experiencing the ‘movie re-play’ flashbacks which made me feel anxious and upset, I hadn’t yet experience a there and then flashback. My therapist did warn me PTSD symptoms were likely to get worse whilst we worked through these appointments.
She wasn’t wrong.
After that first appointment it happened. We were watching tv one evening and an advert came on for a children’s charity. I can’t remember which charity as I didn’t see the full advert, but I remember the opening line clearly, “there’s nothing worse than witnessing your child ill in hospital”. BOOM. I was back in the hospital room. I was sat on my bed. The paediatrician was lent over my baby girl, she was frowning as she repeatedly moved her stethoscope to my daughter’s heart…” I jumped up from the sofa, this couldn’t be happening, I didn’t know what to do. I went into the kitchen and started sorting the dishwasher, cleaning the sides…anything I could do to stop this flashback from happening. I then told my husband I was tired and was going to bed. I didn’t know how to tell him that what was happening! When I was on my own, the flashbacks kept coming…the paediatrician telling me my little one wasn’t responding as she should, the doctor telling me her sodium levels were too low because she was severely dehydrated, being up at 3am desperately trying to get liquids into my baby…I curled up into a ball and sobbed. I was shaking, I felt sick and it felt as if someone was stood on my chest. The next morning I woke up and felt like I had the biggest hang over. It’s incredible how much a flashback can knock you physically as well as mentally!
Luckily the following day I had my next therapy appointment and could ask for some coping techniques!