Dear Sian,
I’m thinking back to the day you found out you were pregnant and the happiness and excitement that you felt for the future. What you don’t know is that you are about to embark on a journey far tougher than you could ever imagine.
You will be tested physically and mentally in so many ways and there will be days you will question your own strength and ability to get through the pregnancy. These will be difficult times, but I want you to know that you CAN and WILL get through it! And not only that, it will be so worth the fight when you get to hold your little one in your arms. It will be by far the hardest but best thing you will ever do!
I’d love to tell you that after the pregnancy everything is plain sailing, but the honest truth is, that it doesn’t. More difficult things happen that will really test you emotionally. There will come a point that your mind shuts down as it can’t take anymore. The emotions that you feel will need to be acknowledged, accepted and challenged.
You will struggle with feelings of guilt, weakness, loss of control and failure. There will be days that you feel you have fallen in a hole and you can’t climb out. Other times it’ll feel like you’re walking through a deep fog and can’t find your way. There’ll also be days it will feel like you’re drowning in guilt. If I could give you some advice, it would be to be kind to yourself. Self blame will weigh you down for a long time, but I promise you this will ease in time. There will come a point that you can say to yourself, “this is NOT my fault”. You will learn to forgive yourself.
You will learn so much about yourself as you progress through the months. For starters, you are stronger than you think you are. It won’t feel like it at the time, but you are brave enough to ask for help when you realise you are struggling. You will work through therapy and attempt to use the relevant strategies to try and manage the symptoms of PTSD and depression. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t, but don’t give up! Your eyes will really be opened up to the world of mental health and you will one day find the courage to share your own story. You will realise that there’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s ok to admit you’ve struggled and it’s ok to not be ok.
One amazing thing that will come out of this is the realisation of how amazing your family and friends are. The love, the patience and the support that they show you will be invaluable. The one that regularly checks in. The one who’s at your door with coffee and biscuits on a bad day. The one that sees through you and asks “are you really fine?” You are so lucky to have these people around you.
This is going to be a long journey, but your body and mind will get you through this! Be patient, show yourself compassion and just remember, healing takes time.
